Friday, January 30, 2009

Day 23 Emotions and Accomplishments

I missed Yoga this morning because Xander was up until 4:30 a.m. It was horrible! But I was able to go with him to the Mommy and Me Yoga class for free. Xander seems to like it, but he was bouncing all over the place. We'll see!!

We had our neighbor's over. They're a hoot, I really like them. They are rough around the edges, and since the dad up and left, things are really quite over there. They were trying hard to make it better for the kids, in a good neighborhood, good school, etc...and the dad didn't seem to want that. He's now apparently back into crime and doing drugs. I'm sad, but not at the same time. They seem to be happier and doing better without him.

It's times like this that make me thankful for Aaron and all that he does for us. He loves us so much and keeps me very grounded. I'm so use to doing thirty things at once and not getting any of them done! He helps me focus on one task at a time. I'm still trying to do that! lol

Speaking of focusing, I was getting worried about my deadline for school coming up so quick and not having the time to finish. I called my school to plead with them to extend my deadline. I was prepared with, "I've moved three times in the past year, I've had surgery, working graveyards, both my Mother-in-law and my Father-in-law having surgery...etc" Though, My mom's and dad's surgery's didn't really affect me, I was willing to use stretching of the truth....

Didn't need to! They said it's just a "suggested deadline" and that I should continue my studies, that I have plenty of time! Wooohoo!! I was sooooo relieved!!! So, I'm changing one of my goals for school to just finish it within a certain time frame....I don't know what time frame yet, I'll have to decide...I'm thinking 6 months!

And Xander's doing REALLY good on his potty-training. He went ALL DAY in his under-roos without wetting them!! I was soooo excited!!!

Aaron keeps talking about having another one (for the past 4 months or so...), but I'm not ready yet. And it seems like he keeps bringing it up, like he's pushing me into it. He mentioned it again on Sunday night right before work. I told him that we could talk about it later, when I got home from work. He asked, "Why do you always runaway from the subject?" and I forgot what exactly I said, but it was something along the lines of, "Because I need to..."

So, when I got home, He was still's usually a 30% chance he's awake. And I told him that I feel like he's pressuring me, and I'm not ready.

And the reasoning's behind it, is not because we can't afford it, it's true, we can't. But it's two major things. One, we can't spend enough time with Xander as it is he going to feel when less time is spent on him?

Second, I hurt, every damn day I hurt. Some days are better than others. And this is WITH medication. I have injections in my back monthly, I take muscle relaxants, nerve relievers, and pain killers daily! If and when I get pregnant, the only thing I can do is my injections in my back. Which, they help, a TON! But my main concern is my muscle relaxants. I stopped taking them for two days, and I could barely move the second day.

I'm so scared. I hurt for four months, actually about a year and four months. Two months while Xander was still inside, and then the rest afterwards. I would cry all the time. I hurt so bad. And I tear up just thinking about going back to that place again. To hurt so bad, you can't pick up your child is very frustrating. To walk so stiff, that all you need is some green paint and bolts to look EXACTLY like even moan like he does because you just hurt.

Aaron wants us to go to the temple and pray about it. I keep avoiding it, because I just am so scared.

I don't want to go there again, I can't. I won't make it.

So, some accomplishments and some emotions today.

No comments:

Post a Comment