Having A Bad Day

I'm having a REALLY bad day.... :-(

I hurt, I'm tired, and I'm scared....not a fun combo.....

And this is going to be a long rant, but I need to do it, so, please bear with me!

Well, it started a while ago, Hubby kept pushing (he didn't mean to) about having another kid. While I would LOVE to have another, I have so many scary thoughts and notions.

I had a great pregnancy until the 7th month, on Aug 2nd, 2005 (our second Anni, which makes even more memorable) We were coming back from Monterey, when I man rear-ended us. Hubby was fine, he was reclined and asleep...It was a "Low impact" being I was stopped and he was maybe going 30. Well, he was opening a bag of chips and didn't see that it was red. *Bam!*
And I've been pretty much miserable ever since. I try to stay upbeat and don't let the pain get to me, but sometimes, you just have to cry, you can't hold it in any longer!

My pain level used to be a 10 (10 being unbearable pain) at birth to now a constant 5. It's been 3 1/2 years of pills, injections, acupuncture, physical therapy, chiropractics, yoga, and I still hurt! Some days I can't pick up my son, and it just kills me when he looks at me and says before giving me a hug, "Mommy, how's your back? Is it hurting?" And then he'll hug me and lightly rub my shoulder.

We're also not too stable financially. We have a couple hundred in savings, but DH works 2 part-time jobs, and is going to school. I'm working a full time job nights, because we can't afford a babysitter. So, I don't seem my hubby, and b/c of my night hours, I tend to be crabby with Xander...I HATE IT!!! Pretty much, we need all paychecks to survive right now.

My fears about being preggers? And I did tell these fears to Hubby...but I'm still trying to figure out his reaction to my not being ready..

-I will hurt again the same way I did when I first got hit. That is my worst fear of all. I don't think I can emotionally handle that right now

-We don't have enough time to spend with the one we already have, why compound it?!

-What if I am sent to bed b/c I'm preggers? I have a history of High Blood Pressure (Yoga's the thing that actually took me off my meds for that!!). I will not be able to take ANY meds while preggers....There are days I can't move until my pain pills have kicked in. I will literally lay in bed Xander cuddle next to me watching a movie waiting to be able to feel good enough to move.

-Money-we're scraping by as is....the economy is such that no one's job is 100% secure! And to add diapers and formula (can't breast feed) on top is just crazy!!!!

-If I have to work, who's going to watch the two of them? My Mom-in-law watches my son for a few hours Wed, Thurs, and Fri until hubby gets home...She's dealing with an ADHD 9 year old, working part time at the elementary school, a twice over breast cancer survivor, oh, yeah, and she's dealing with her mom having Alzheimer's. Can I really ask her to add to her burden? I know she'd say yes....but, I don't know.