So, what does Sara Bareilles, (a talented pop singer/songwriter) and the Temple have in common? Me. I know, it sounds weird...but it was weird to begin with. For starters, only a few of you know what this is all about...but in due time everyone will. :)
Being a musician, I seem to channel many thoughts, feelings, etc. through music. Well, I just purchased Sara's second album, Kaleidoscope Heart, which is PHENOMENAL! And have been "wearing it out", much to the chagrin of my dear, patient husband. I will take a new cd and play it over and over until I know all the lyrics, and get sick of it and have to stop listening to it for a while.
There was a song that I have just falling in love with, it's called Uncharted. I knew it applied to my life in many ways, but little did I know how much it would. I was on my way home from work last night, when a song of Sara's came on that I hadn't really started listening to yet, "The Light", I had heard it a couple of times. So, I listened to the lyrics...I about started to cry.
You see, there has been this problem plaguing me for some two years now. A decision that will effect me and my family greatly. I have always known the answer, and what I needed to do. Pride, fear and stubbornness has kept me from listening for a long time. So much that the last time I got my answer in the temple, I cried, I cried hard because I was so upset with this answer. Well, things have been softening in me for sometime.
Last night, after listening to "The Light", I felt calm and okay with this long awaited choice. But, I felt I needed more, I felt a never before urgency in this decision. I went to the Temple. While it was closed because it was 11 at night, I walked around the outside of the gate and sat at the exact pillar where my boyfriend proposed to me. That pillar has been a wonderful reminder of what transpired there over 7 years ago.
I prayed and I listened to the silence and a cd of hymns I sung in choir in college. The chilled when ate at me, but I felt warm. A big decision that I had been in torcher with for two years had finally come to an end. I knew, with all my soul, with every fiber of my being, that EVERYTHING would be okay, no matter what. There were alot of fears that have held me back...they were all put to rest.
I left the temple, completely at peace. It was amazing! I turned back on Sara and "Uncharted" came on. I cried. The lyrics made even MORE sense now. I'll share them now:
"No tears, my tears won't make any room for 'em. Oh, and it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before. This is no broken heart, no familiar scars, this territory goes uncharted. Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town and I don't breathe though I never meant to let it get away from me. Now I have too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted. Stuck under the ceiling I made I can't help the feeling, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started. It's all uncharted. Each day, I'm counting up the minutes 'til I get away. "cause I can't stay in the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault. But I'm so low, never knew how much I didn't know, oh everything is uncharted. I know I'm getting nowhere when I only sit and stare like, I'm going down. Follow if you want I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas so don't ask me how to get started, it's all uncharted. Jump start my kaleidoscope heart. I love to watch the colors fade. They may not make sense, but they sure as hell made me. I won't go as a passenger no, waiting for the road to be laid. Though I may be going own I'll take in flame over burning out. Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll nowhere. I'm going down..."
This is not a broken heart, not familiar. I've never been here before. So, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I'm out of fool-proof ideas, this is uncharted...and I've never felt better about it!
Much love to my girls that already know what this is about. I wouldn't have been open to this. Thank you with all my heart! <3