Life, Wisdom and War.
Roughly translated from Greek, that is what my daughter's name means. Zoey Athena. As I'm wrapping up the final hours where she will be in my womb (I am having a c-section in just about 24 hours from now), I am tingling with anticipation!
My husband jokingly at first said "let's keep it Greek, Athena" for her middle name. The more we thought about it, the more we liked it.
Her name, as with my son's came after thoughtful consideration as to the meanings behind the name. My son's name means "protector of human kind" and seeing him in his nearly 6 year old self (will be six the day after his little sister's birth) he lives up to his name completely. He's very selfless (as much as 6 year old can be) and is constantly looking out and helping others in need. He is so excited about his little sister and has already proclaimed to the world he will always be there to protect her.
Zoey means 'life'...Athena, for those who don't know is the Greek Goddess of wisdom, war and a bunch of other things such as courage, strength, arts, crafts and skill.
She has always been my favorite Goddess when studying Mythology. No, I am not pagan, nor do I necessarily believe in the actual existence of the Goddess Athena. I do, however believe in a God and Goddess moving and flowing as one being. I am LDS, in that faith we believe that we do have a Heavenly Mother, but we don't know her name. The reason, we believe is that God holds her in such high revere that he didn't want her name trampled on like his is today. Being we don't know her name, I feel like the name of an awesome Goddess is a way of showing respect and love towards her and my gratefulness of the divine feminine that I hold dear to my heart.
The most interesting part of it, is that of the "war" part. I have joked and others have too about her name meaning "war" and how that will reflect greatly in her teen years. But when looking further, the war part is the strategy part of battle, the discipline. Athena never delighted in blood shed, she is all for standing up and fighting for a cause and ending a conflict as quickly as possible...unlike her brother Ares.
This pregnancy has been a whirlwind of emotions and experiences. I have witnessed and been a part of some of life's greatest joys as well as life's deepest sorrows. In the last nine months, I have experienced physical and emotional pains from my health problems, my husband going through major surgery, financial woes and other personal struggles. I have witnessed dear friends go through deaths of spouse, parent and child...I have had friends go through divorce, through major surgeries, through other trying times. I have celebrated with many friends over pregnancy, births, weddings and other successes. I have become even closer with friends. I have never felt so guilty, so helpless, so dependent, so sad, so strong, so peaceful, so happily blissful.
And through it all, my baby girl has grown and experienced this all with me. Right now, she is kicking furiously, I think she already knows she's being brought into this world at such troublesome times, not giving up, showing me that she is one tough cookie, a fighter, a warrior.
So, it looks like already she is living up to her name. We couldn't have named her more aptly if we tried. She is indeed a Warrior Goddess.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
The Finish Line Is In Sigh
As my time being pregnant winds down to a matter of hours now, I sit in reflection.
The last few years in preparing for this little one to come has been one hell of a ride to say the least. When people say they are "planning" or thinking about trying to have kids, rarely is it years in the making. Mine took quite a few years of nudging from my hubby as well as my own physical and emotional changes.
When I was pregnant with my son, I had a beautiful pregnancy up until my 8th month when I was rear-ended. The last part was spent in agony being there wasn't much they could do to "fix me" while he was still in there. It took me a few years to even THINK about having another baby, I was so gun shy and in pain over everything. I finally had to tell my hubby one night to back off about having another baby. He's was more than eager and I emotionally wasn't.
Finally, a night arrived where I was coming to terms with the fact of another child...that was a little over two years ago. When I say coming to terms, I mean I was starting to be okay with the idea...I still wasn't quite ready to go for it. I had felt more at peace than I ever did with the idea, although still scared to death about it. But I knew in the back of my mind that there was another little spirit waiting to join our family.
The next day as I was heading to work, I was in another car wreck, this one, so much worse than the first. I won't go into details, but it sucked...and set me back in the process of trying for a baby. After about 6 months of heavy physical therapy and getting my pain back under control, out came my hubby again prodding and pressuring me. I was very angry and frustrated at him, myself and the universe. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and would have meltdowns on occasion when something would trigger the accident. I felt my hubby wasn't being supportive, that he didn't understand what I was going through (and how could he, he wasn't there?)...I was VERY angry at God...doing the "Why me?!" routine.
There was a low point in all of this...I was heading home from work and was in such agonizing pain while driving home, I did actually contemplate running my car into a cement divider, ending it all, right then and there. Something snapped me back into reality and I turned a corner.
Fast forward...I knew I wanted to have another child, I knew it was time to start talking and thinking about it. So, I talked with my pain doctor as well as my OB-GYN. They all were in agreement, I was perfectly healthy, female wise to try again...but my back problems would be a main concern. The conclusion: Be in the best physical shape possible before trying to conceive. They all said the same thing, "You're back is going to hurt, how much depends on how good of shape you're in."
That turned me down an amazing road that helped me develop even closer relationships with friends. Especially one in particular who I now call my sister. I looked for a sport to get into, something with an end goal. I was doing yoga at the time, but that wasn't enough.
Talking with my friend over it, she mentioned cycling and how she was doing a marathon race about 7 months from then. She challenged me to do it with her. I took the challenge and she helped me set goals, even helped me become a vegetarian in the process, something I NEVER thought I'd do. The marathon was to raise money for MS...and it just so happens that I have a friend, a young mother of two had been recently hit hard and diagnosed with this horrid disease. The marathon became a two fold mission.
I told my husband of this goal and promised that if all goes according to plan, after the marathon we'll start trying for baby number two. He put his full support in me, encouraging me along the way, even putting up with all the vegetarian meals I made.
Well, it started slow, cycling a few times around the neighborhood daily...then out passed the subdivision, soon across the city...I got up to 30 miles in one day. Within these months of training I dropped thirty pounds and 4 dress sizes. It was truly an amazing experience and I look forward to doing the marathon and training for it again and again.
With the marathon over, and my goals met, we started trying...I was really worried as during my training I had surgery after being diagnosed with Endoemteriosis...a painful female issue that can hinder pregnancy. A couple months in, and my heart started to hurt...I had finally come to grips with having another child and I felt like it was slipping through my fingers.
And then, right after Christmas, I discovered I was pregnant. We were so excited! What a great gift!!!
This pregnancy has been a rough one with heartaches of life and lots of pain and exhaustion, I know that come tomorrow morning, when I'm holding her in my arms, it'll all be worth it. All the pain, all the planning, all the ups and downs.
The last few years in preparing for this little one to come has been one hell of a ride to say the least. When people say they are "planning" or thinking about trying to have kids, rarely is it years in the making. Mine took quite a few years of nudging from my hubby as well as my own physical and emotional changes.
When I was pregnant with my son, I had a beautiful pregnancy up until my 8th month when I was rear-ended. The last part was spent in agony being there wasn't much they could do to "fix me" while he was still in there. It took me a few years to even THINK about having another baby, I was so gun shy and in pain over everything. I finally had to tell my hubby one night to back off about having another baby. He's was more than eager and I emotionally wasn't.
Finally, a night arrived where I was coming to terms with the fact of another child...that was a little over two years ago. When I say coming to terms, I mean I was starting to be okay with the idea...I still wasn't quite ready to go for it. I had felt more at peace than I ever did with the idea, although still scared to death about it. But I knew in the back of my mind that there was another little spirit waiting to join our family.
The next day as I was heading to work, I was in another car wreck, this one, so much worse than the first. I won't go into details, but it sucked...and set me back in the process of trying for a baby. After about 6 months of heavy physical therapy and getting my pain back under control, out came my hubby again prodding and pressuring me. I was very angry and frustrated at him, myself and the universe. I was diagnosed with PTSD, and would have meltdowns on occasion when something would trigger the accident. I felt my hubby wasn't being supportive, that he didn't understand what I was going through (and how could he, he wasn't there?)...I was VERY angry at God...doing the "Why me?!" routine.
There was a low point in all of this...I was heading home from work and was in such agonizing pain while driving home, I did actually contemplate running my car into a cement divider, ending it all, right then and there. Something snapped me back into reality and I turned a corner.
Fast forward...I knew I wanted to have another child, I knew it was time to start talking and thinking about it. So, I talked with my pain doctor as well as my OB-GYN. They all were in agreement, I was perfectly healthy, female wise to try again...but my back problems would be a main concern. The conclusion: Be in the best physical shape possible before trying to conceive. They all said the same thing, "You're back is going to hurt, how much depends on how good of shape you're in."
That turned me down an amazing road that helped me develop even closer relationships with friends. Especially one in particular who I now call my sister. I looked for a sport to get into, something with an end goal. I was doing yoga at the time, but that wasn't enough.
Talking with my friend over it, she mentioned cycling and how she was doing a marathon race about 7 months from then. She challenged me to do it with her. I took the challenge and she helped me set goals, even helped me become a vegetarian in the process, something I NEVER thought I'd do. The marathon was to raise money for MS...and it just so happens that I have a friend, a young mother of two had been recently hit hard and diagnosed with this horrid disease. The marathon became a two fold mission.
I told my husband of this goal and promised that if all goes according to plan, after the marathon we'll start trying for baby number two. He put his full support in me, encouraging me along the way, even putting up with all the vegetarian meals I made.
Well, it started slow, cycling a few times around the neighborhood daily...then out passed the subdivision, soon across the city...I got up to 30 miles in one day. Within these months of training I dropped thirty pounds and 4 dress sizes. It was truly an amazing experience and I look forward to doing the marathon and training for it again and again.
With the marathon over, and my goals met, we started trying...I was really worried as during my training I had surgery after being diagnosed with Endoemteriosis...a painful female issue that can hinder pregnancy. A couple months in, and my heart started to hurt...I had finally come to grips with having another child and I felt like it was slipping through my fingers.
And then, right after Christmas, I discovered I was pregnant. We were so excited! What a great gift!!!
This pregnancy has been a rough one with heartaches of life and lots of pain and exhaustion, I know that come tomorrow morning, when I'm holding her in my arms, it'll all be worth it. All the pain, all the planning, all the ups and downs.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Staying Rooted
Yesterday was Ground Hog’s Day. It was my parent’s 34th Wedding Anniversary, the 2nd with my Dad gone. I am expecting child #2 and am horribly sick with a bad head cold. My husband is still recovering from surgery. It was also the Catholic Candlemas (Feast of the Presentation), celebrated by lighting candles all day as well as a New Moon. To top it off, my brother had to go in to have an emergency surgery to save a vein/artery connected for dialysis (called an access).
Needless to say, it was a horrible day. I was sick, nauseated, nervous, tired, sad…it was just a very disconnected, off-balance day. Talking with some dear friends, they mentioned root soup as well as the New Moon and Candlemas. So, I bought ingredients for root soup, pulled out a candle and waited for the moon.
When I got home, I found that my brother’s access was not savable, it had collapsed which means many more surgeries to come. Everything came to a head, I started to cry, I had had it!!! I missed my dad, I wanted to be with my brother, I was sick of being sick, I was worried about my husband’s pain!!!!!
Without much thought, I put on some music and started to clean my vegetables. As I stared at the golden beets, scrubbing the dirt off of it, I felt the earth, I felt peace. I felt connected to The Buddha and The Bodhi Tree, all these demons trying to bury me and all I did was touch something that grew within the earth to start feeling the peace. My heart started to warm. I looked up at the window, it was dark. The moon would be here soon. I wanted to go outside and be with the moon, but being it was so cold and I was so sick, I didn’t risk it. I lit my candle and laid my thoughts, my wishes, my prayers of health to all towards the moon and into the heavens.
The rest of the time, I spent thoughtfully chopping up the roots for the soup, I felt grateful. As I put the soup together and watched it come to a boil, I watched my worries boil with it rise like the steam and disappear. The aroma was soothing. The taste? Even better. As I sat with my boys over a nice bowl of soup, I felt very blessed, very grateful…I was again rooted.
Everything happens for a reason. It is our choice to wither and grow weak, or stand up, dig our roots deeper and tell the tempest that is trying to knock us down, “I will bend, but I will not be torn down!!!”
I was bent pretty low yesterday, the wind howled…But here I am, staying rooted while something special
grows inside my earth.
Needless to say, it was a horrible day. I was sick, nauseated, nervous, tired, sad…it was just a very disconnected, off-balance day. Talking with some dear friends, they mentioned root soup as well as the New Moon and Candlemas. So, I bought ingredients for root soup, pulled out a candle and waited for the moon.
When I got home, I found that my brother’s access was not savable, it had collapsed which means many more surgeries to come. Everything came to a head, I started to cry, I had had it!!! I missed my dad, I wanted to be with my brother, I was sick of being sick, I was worried about my husband’s pain!!!!!
Without much thought, I put on some music and started to clean my vegetables. As I stared at the golden beets, scrubbing the dirt off of it, I felt the earth, I felt peace. I felt connected to The Buddha and The Bodhi Tree, all these demons trying to bury me and all I did was touch something that grew within the earth to start feeling the peace. My heart started to warm. I looked up at the window, it was dark. The moon would be here soon. I wanted to go outside and be with the moon, but being it was so cold and I was so sick, I didn’t risk it. I lit my candle and laid my thoughts, my wishes, my prayers of health to all towards the moon and into the heavens.
The rest of the time, I spent thoughtfully chopping up the roots for the soup, I felt grateful. As I put the soup together and watched it come to a boil, I watched my worries boil with it rise like the steam and disappear. The aroma was soothing. The taste? Even better. As I sat with my boys over a nice bowl of soup, I felt very blessed, very grateful…I was again rooted.
Everything happens for a reason. It is our choice to wither and grow weak, or stand up, dig our roots deeper and tell the tempest that is trying to knock us down, “I will bend, but I will not be torn down!!!”
I was bent pretty low yesterday, the wind howled…But here I am, staying rooted while something special
grows inside my earth.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
My Mom Looks Up To Me!!!!!
I was talking with my mom today on the phone. It started it out in the usual frustrating manner. She'll talk your ear off about random stuff that you've heard already. She'll then tell you the negative aspects of the goals that you are aiming for. She claims, "I am not a pessimist, I am a realist."
So, as our conversation continued, I became more frustrated with her. I started to express my frustration when she said something that floored me.
She told me that she doesn't mean to sound or come off as critical or harsh. She said she feels she was over-protective with my siblings and I. The reason? Fear and rejection. She said she had been involved in "Spectacular failures" in life and she didn't want us to feel the pain of that.
She told me how proud she was of me, that she looks up to me because I am so brave. She said she wishes she was braver, that she would go and do the things I do, that if I want to do it I will go and try it. If I fail, I say oh well and keep going. She said if she was presented with the opportunity to do a marathon, she wouldn't have done it, not believing her to be able to do the marathon.
My mom looks up to ME! I cried. Never in my life would I have thought she would. I've always known she was proud of the things I've done, but it just blew me away.
The funny thing is? I learned to be brave from her. I learned not to take crap, to love me for me and not let anyone tell me otherwise.
What a wonderful surprise!
Chelle }}i{{
So, as our conversation continued, I became more frustrated with her. I started to express my frustration when she said something that floored me.
She told me that she doesn't mean to sound or come off as critical or harsh. She said she feels she was over-protective with my siblings and I. The reason? Fear and rejection. She said she had been involved in "Spectacular failures" in life and she didn't want us to feel the pain of that.
She told me how proud she was of me, that she looks up to me because I am so brave. She said she wishes she was braver, that she would go and do the things I do, that if I want to do it I will go and try it. If I fail, I say oh well and keep going. She said if she was presented with the opportunity to do a marathon, she wouldn't have done it, not believing her to be able to do the marathon.
My mom looks up to ME! I cried. Never in my life would I have thought she would. I've always known she was proud of the things I've done, but it just blew me away.
The funny thing is? I learned to be brave from her. I learned not to take crap, to love me for me and not let anyone tell me otherwise.
What a wonderful surprise!
Chelle }}i{{
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
How Did I Get Spam On My BLOG?!?!!?
Ok, so I saw I got a comment on my blog, thought Yea! Someone left me LOVES!!!
Yeah, it was some kid spamming on my blog!!! WTH?! REALLY?! Is nothing sacred any more?!
*sigh*
People go so low for buck.
Chelle }}i{{
Yeah, it was some kid spamming on my blog!!! WTH?! REALLY?! Is nothing sacred any more?!
*sigh*
People go so low for buck.
Chelle }}i{{
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
Had My 2nd Nerve Burn Today...
AAAAHHHH!!!!!!!!
It sucks, but I know I'll feel better in a few days. So, right now, hurting, but should be better soon!
*SIGH*
Chelle }}i{{
It sucks, but I know I'll feel better in a few days. So, right now, hurting, but should be better soon!
*SIGH*
Chelle }}i{{
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Work Frustrations
So, had a bad night at work. It was great until the last little bit. And I'm more mad at myself than anything.
I felt bad, there was a girl that kept asking me what's wrong...I finally got mad at her and said, "look, I know you're trying to help, but I just DON'T want to talk right now." I know she was trying to help, but I was in that "don't give a crap about anyone right now, leave me alone." mood.
Anyhoo, here's hoping tomorrow's better.
I felt bad, there was a girl that kept asking me what's wrong...I finally got mad at her and said, "look, I know you're trying to help, but I just DON'T want to talk right now." I know she was trying to help, but I was in that "don't give a crap about anyone right now, leave me alone." mood.
Anyhoo, here's hoping tomorrow's better.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Room Purging
Well, the sun is out FINALLY!!!!!!!! Feeling like being in a cleaning mood. It's time for the annual purging of Xander's room after his birthday!! So many new toys, time to box them up and put them in the garage!!
<3
<3
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Insomniac
I'm finally horribly exhausted today. I haven't slept well in a week. But, it's my weekend, I have three days off. I'm very happy that I'm so tired!!!
I've been in a musical mood the last couple days too! I've been playing my guitar and listing to some new music. It's been a hoot!
I did learn a new chord today! F#! So, I'm hoping to keep doing that part of my goal! I also am going to be picking up my piano again. That will really help with the band.
I'm also thinking about going to culinary school. I think it'll be fun and really worth my time!!! :)
I've been in a musical mood the last couple days too! I've been playing my guitar and listing to some new music. It's been a hoot!
I did learn a new chord today! F#! So, I'm hoping to keep doing that part of my goal! I also am going to be picking up my piano again. That will really help with the band.
I'm also thinking about going to culinary school. I think it'll be fun and really worth my time!!! :)
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Day 460...wow!
Ok, so I just updaed all my goals...holy hannah!!!! I've come so far!!!!
I think my favorite goal I just passed off was completing my bike race/marathon! I was able to do 43 miles in it! While I didn't finish the race...I participated and it was a NEAT experience!!
Conference is on...better head on over and listen and get ready for work! *sigh!*
I think my favorite goal I just passed off was completing my bike race/marathon! I was able to do 43 miles in it! While I didn't finish the race...I participated and it was a NEAT experience!!
Conference is on...better head on over and listen and get ready for work! *sigh!*
Biking Zen-Momentum
This was written in June as well! :)
I was riding my bike around a local lake yesterday. I had an epiphany.
Ever since I can remember I love going downhill on my bike, followed by the quick change to uphill. Why? I shift my bike to the hardest gear and work that downhill, and pedal, pedal, pedal! I pick up a lot of speed and enjoy it, using the momentum I've gained on the downhill it makes the hill I'm climbing so much easier to reach the top.
I watched some people take the downhill lightly, sometimes not even pedaling, just coating. They're enjoying the "free ride" so to speak. But, as the downhill gets replaced quickly with the uphill climb, they labor very hard to reach the top. They are enjoying the fun part but have to work twice as hard on the difficult part.
I thought of life's many peaks and valleys. Many of us (including me) take it easy on the way down, coasting through the valley, not worried about the looming mountain in the distance.
If we work harder in those times of great ease, when we hit those peaks, using our momentum, it makes that mountain much easier to climb.
If we keep a steady pace throughout both valleys and peaks, it will feel more like a constant flat road. I'm not saying all the time, day in day out, we still really need to take the time to smell the roses and look at the view.
Just something I wanted to share.
Chelle }}i{{
I was riding my bike around a local lake yesterday. I had an epiphany.
Ever since I can remember I love going downhill on my bike, followed by the quick change to uphill. Why? I shift my bike to the hardest gear and work that downhill, and pedal, pedal, pedal! I pick up a lot of speed and enjoy it, using the momentum I've gained on the downhill it makes the hill I'm climbing so much easier to reach the top.
I watched some people take the downhill lightly, sometimes not even pedaling, just coating. They're enjoying the "free ride" so to speak. But, as the downhill gets replaced quickly with the uphill climb, they labor very hard to reach the top. They are enjoying the fun part but have to work twice as hard on the difficult part.
I thought of life's many peaks and valleys. Many of us (including me) take it easy on the way down, coasting through the valley, not worried about the looming mountain in the distance.
If we work harder in those times of great ease, when we hit those peaks, using our momentum, it makes that mountain much easier to climb.
If we keep a steady pace throughout both valleys and peaks, it will feel more like a constant flat road. I'm not saying all the time, day in day out, we still really need to take the time to smell the roses and look at the view.
Just something I wanted to share.
Chelle }}i{{
Sara Bareilles, The Temple, and Divine Inspiration.
So, what does Sara Bareilles, (a talented pop singer/songwriter) and the Temple have in common? Me. I know, it sounds weird...but it was weird to begin with. For starters, only a few of you know what this is all about...but in due time everyone will. :)
Being a musician, I seem to channel many thoughts, feelings, etc. through music. Well, I just purchased Sara's second album, Kaleidoscope Heart, which is PHENOMENAL! And have been "wearing it out", much to the chagrin of my dear, patient husband. I will take a new cd and play it over and over until I know all the lyrics, and get sick of it and have to stop listening to it for a while.
There was a song that I have just falling in love with, it's called Uncharted. I knew it applied to my life in many ways, but little did I know how much it would. I was on my way home from work last night, when a song of Sara's came on that I hadn't really started listening to yet, "The Light", I had heard it a couple of times. So, I listened to the lyrics...I about started to cry.
You see, there has been this problem plaguing me for some two years now. A decision that will effect me and my family greatly. I have always known the answer, and what I needed to do. Pride, fear and stubbornness has kept me from listening for a long time. So much that the last time I got my answer in the temple, I cried, I cried hard because I was so upset with this answer. Well, things have been softening in me for sometime.
Last night, after listening to "The Light", I felt calm and okay with this long awaited choice. But, I felt I needed more, I felt a never before urgency in this decision. I went to the Temple. While it was closed because it was 11 at night, I walked around the outside of the gate and sat at the exact pillar where my boyfriend proposed to me. That pillar has been a wonderful reminder of what transpired there over 7 years ago.
I prayed and I listened to the silence and a cd of hymns I sung in choir in college. The chilled when ate at me, but I felt warm. A big decision that I had been in torcher with for two years had finally come to an end. I knew, with all my soul, with every fiber of my being, that EVERYTHING would be okay, no matter what. There were alot of fears that have held me back...they were all put to rest.
I left the temple, completely at peace. It was amazing! I turned back on Sara and "Uncharted" came on. I cried. The lyrics made even MORE sense now. I'll share them now:
Uncharted:
"No tears, my tears won't make any room for 'em. Oh, and it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before. This is no broken heart, no familiar scars, this territory goes uncharted. Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town and I don't breathe though I never meant to let it get away from me. Now I have too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted. Stuck under the ceiling I made I can't help the feeling, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started. It's all uncharted. Each day, I'm counting up the minutes 'til I get away. "cause I can't stay in the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault. But I'm so low, never knew how much I didn't know, oh everything is uncharted. I know I'm getting nowhere when I only sit and stare like, I'm going down. Follow if you want I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas so don't ask me how to get started, it's all uncharted. Jump start my kaleidoscope heart. I love to watch the colors fade. They may not make sense, but they sure as hell made me. I won't go as a passenger no, waiting for the road to be laid. Though I may be going own I'll take in flame over burning out. Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll nowhere. I'm going down..."
This is not a broken heart, not familiar. I've never been here before. So, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I'm out of fool-proof ideas, this is uncharted...and I've never felt better about it!
Much love to my girls that already know what this is about. I wouldn't have been open to this. Thank you with all my heart! <3
Chelle }}i{{
Being a musician, I seem to channel many thoughts, feelings, etc. through music. Well, I just purchased Sara's second album, Kaleidoscope Heart, which is PHENOMENAL! And have been "wearing it out", much to the chagrin of my dear, patient husband. I will take a new cd and play it over and over until I know all the lyrics, and get sick of it and have to stop listening to it for a while.
There was a song that I have just falling in love with, it's called Uncharted. I knew it applied to my life in many ways, but little did I know how much it would. I was on my way home from work last night, when a song of Sara's came on that I hadn't really started listening to yet, "The Light", I had heard it a couple of times. So, I listened to the lyrics...I about started to cry.
You see, there has been this problem plaguing me for some two years now. A decision that will effect me and my family greatly. I have always known the answer, and what I needed to do. Pride, fear and stubbornness has kept me from listening for a long time. So much that the last time I got my answer in the temple, I cried, I cried hard because I was so upset with this answer. Well, things have been softening in me for sometime.
Last night, after listening to "The Light", I felt calm and okay with this long awaited choice. But, I felt I needed more, I felt a never before urgency in this decision. I went to the Temple. While it was closed because it was 11 at night, I walked around the outside of the gate and sat at the exact pillar where my boyfriend proposed to me. That pillar has been a wonderful reminder of what transpired there over 7 years ago.
I prayed and I listened to the silence and a cd of hymns I sung in choir in college. The chilled when ate at me, but I felt warm. A big decision that I had been in torcher with for two years had finally come to an end. I knew, with all my soul, with every fiber of my being, that EVERYTHING would be okay, no matter what. There were alot of fears that have held me back...they were all put to rest.
I left the temple, completely at peace. It was amazing! I turned back on Sara and "Uncharted" came on. I cried. The lyrics made even MORE sense now. I'll share them now:
Uncharted:
"No tears, my tears won't make any room for 'em. Oh, and it don't hurt like anything I've ever felt before. This is no broken heart, no familiar scars, this territory goes uncharted. Just me, in a room sunk down in a house in a town and I don't breathe though I never meant to let it get away from me. Now I have too much to hold, everybody has to get their hands on gold, and I want uncharted. Stuck under the ceiling I made I can't help the feeling, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas, so don't ask me how to get started. It's all uncharted. Each day, I'm counting up the minutes 'til I get away. "cause I can't stay in the middle of it all, it's nobody's fault. But I'm so low, never knew how much I didn't know, oh everything is uncharted. I know I'm getting nowhere when I only sit and stare like, I'm going down. Follow if you want I won't just hang around like you'll show me where to go. I'm already out of fool-proof ideas so don't ask me how to get started, it's all uncharted. Jump start my kaleidoscope heart. I love to watch the colors fade. They may not make sense, but they sure as hell made me. I won't go as a passenger no, waiting for the road to be laid. Though I may be going own I'll take in flame over burning out. Compare where you are to where you want to be and you'll nowhere. I'm going down..."
This is not a broken heart, not familiar. I've never been here before. So, I'm going down. Follow if you want. I'm out of fool-proof ideas, this is uncharted...and I've never felt better about it!
Much love to my girls that already know what this is about. I wouldn't have been open to this. Thank you with all my heart! <3
Chelle }}i{{
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Inspiration
So, I've been loosing a lot of weight and really shaping up this last little bit here. I feel great and am doing much more with myself these days.
The bummer? My back is still killing me. Which, really sucks, I was told and holding on with sheer faith that my back would get better...I don't know, we'll keep holding on!
But the cool thing? The REALLY cool thing?! Since I've been posting stuff about my biking, my food, and just life, people are coming out of the wood work saying how they are inspiried by me! By little old ME!!! I have been truly amazed at the out-pouring of it all!!
I feel very much like Forest Gump where he just felt like running...soon he has this HUGE following and he didn't have a plan or anything, he just ran...
I've been posting everything for me as a reminder to help myself and make the dream and goal more real...it's now realier than ever!!!!!!
Chelle }}i{{
The bummer? My back is still killing me. Which, really sucks, I was told and holding on with sheer faith that my back would get better...I don't know, we'll keep holding on!
But the cool thing? The REALLY cool thing?! Since I've been posting stuff about my biking, my food, and just life, people are coming out of the wood work saying how they are inspiried by me! By little old ME!!! I have been truly amazed at the out-pouring of it all!!
I feel very much like Forest Gump where he just felt like running...soon he has this HUGE following and he didn't have a plan or anything, he just ran...
I've been posting everything for me as a reminder to help myself and make the dream and goal more real...it's now realier than ever!!!!!!
Chelle }}i{{
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
***YEAH!!****
Such a happy day! I checked on our voting status for this band compition....we're 9th!!! Within two hours, we jumped from 11th to 9th!
**DANCES!** SUCH A GOOD DAY!!!!!!!!!
**DANCES!** SUCH A GOOD DAY!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
A Beautiful Morning!
So, this was the second night on graveyard. I had a loooong night! But, I was awake! It was nice to get out of work early...I was going to go straight to bed, but I decided to swing by yoga. I haven't been in about 2 months. I really miss it.
I had a very neat experience. I had a friend call it a "grounding" experience, where your soul fully connects with your body. I don't know how to explain it.
I was in a deeper than usual meditation...I noticed it in three different poses. The first pose, the bottom of my feet were cool, not cold. As if I just stepped barefoot into a nice patch of soft, spongey, moist ground. The next pose, my fingers were gently being pulled back and forth, like a gentle breeze on branches...the last pose was feeling like my arms were spread wide, and unmoving...like big branches. It hit me then...I was a tree. It was such a neat experience...I cannot describe it. It was beautiful, strange, wonderful, and familiar.
I also found a blooming tree that had blossoms in the shape of a heart!!! Here's a pic! It was lovely! I know that the earth has beautiful and pleasant surprises...so, is this organized chaos? A beautiful accident? Or a gnome shaping our spring time to make it more joyous for those that can see it for it's really beauty.
I had a very neat experience. I had a friend call it a "grounding" experience, where your soul fully connects with your body. I don't know how to explain it.
I was in a deeper than usual meditation...I noticed it in three different poses. The first pose, the bottom of my feet were cool, not cold. As if I just stepped barefoot into a nice patch of soft, spongey, moist ground. The next pose, my fingers were gently being pulled back and forth, like a gentle breeze on branches...the last pose was feeling like my arms were spread wide, and unmoving...like big branches. It hit me then...I was a tree. It was such a neat experience...I cannot describe it. It was beautiful, strange, wonderful, and familiar.
I also found a blooming tree that had blossoms in the shape of a heart!!! Here's a pic! It was lovely! I know that the earth has beautiful and pleasant surprises...so, is this organized chaos? A beautiful accident? Or a gnome shaping our spring time to make it more joyous for those that can see it for it's really beauty.
May everyone have a joyous spring!!!
Chelle }}i{{
Monday, April 19, 2010
Home Schooling, The Internal Struggle
So, I have a few online friends that home school, I've learned a lot from them, and have used them in daily things for Xander. Not a regular thing, but something will trigger a blog post I've read, and I'll try to wedge the message in some how.
I was visiting with a woman in my church. She just pulled her kids out of the school Xander will be attending next year. The things she told me were rather appalling. She said she learned things about her teacher that her daughter picked up that one should not know unless good friends, let alone through a child. Her kid's teacher informed them VERY late in the year (or not at all) about how bad their children were doing...when there were no notes, no progress reports, etc. How can you help your child when things like that happen? So, she finally pulled her kids out.
They are doing VERY well! She has a Christian-based educational program.
This is my questions on this, I would LOVE a Christian-based schooling, but also a natural approach too. Everytime I'm teaching him about something, it always seems to be when we're outdoors, and it's related to nature. I guess for me, when I'm in nature, it's where everything makes sense. It's where I'm my calmest and most reflective. The world and my mind seem to open up.
It's where I can't get cell reception, nor TV, where the only thing I have is, my imagination, my thoughts, and myself (well most of the time now, I have Xander in tow.) But he's is drawn into that world too. He's so full of life and energy, but I've noticed, he's mellower, he listens to me so much better! Could it be in my genes, passed down to my son?
I was talking to Aaron tonight about possibly home-schooling Xander. He sighed and said, "I know, it's all up to me, if I can get a good paying job so you can stay home."
He's right. If I could be a stay at home mom, I would be so content! I really hate to put that burden on him, but he's been trying for years. He wants me home too (only because he knows I want it. He is not demanding it.) I see all these mom's all around me that are stay-at-homes and they complain that they don't get out, that they wish they could trade places....I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. To not have to work for people who don't appreciate you (the guests, my bosses are great!), to be able to cook EVERY meal at home (it's relaxing to me! I put on music and Xander helps! It's so fun!).
I admit, sometimes it can be difficult, but to see my son with that sparkle in his eye, the hug and our kiss that he only does with just me (we peck and rubbed our noses!!), It's worth every bit of it. To take every moment I have and spend it with him, reading a book, discovering a pirate treasure, making cup cakes...oh the things we would do!!!!!
Well, hopefully I'll have some more time to start the search once I graduate in a month! Yea!!!
Chelle }}i{{
I was visiting with a woman in my church. She just pulled her kids out of the school Xander will be attending next year. The things she told me were rather appalling. She said she learned things about her teacher that her daughter picked up that one should not know unless good friends, let alone through a child. Her kid's teacher informed them VERY late in the year (or not at all) about how bad their children were doing...when there were no notes, no progress reports, etc. How can you help your child when things like that happen? So, she finally pulled her kids out.
They are doing VERY well! She has a Christian-based educational program.
This is my questions on this, I would LOVE a Christian-based schooling, but also a natural approach too. Everytime I'm teaching him about something, it always seems to be when we're outdoors, and it's related to nature. I guess for me, when I'm in nature, it's where everything makes sense. It's where I'm my calmest and most reflective. The world and my mind seem to open up.
It's where I can't get cell reception, nor TV, where the only thing I have is, my imagination, my thoughts, and myself (well most of the time now, I have Xander in tow.) But he's is drawn into that world too. He's so full of life and energy, but I've noticed, he's mellower, he listens to me so much better! Could it be in my genes, passed down to my son?
I was talking to Aaron tonight about possibly home-schooling Xander. He sighed and said, "I know, it's all up to me, if I can get a good paying job so you can stay home."
He's right. If I could be a stay at home mom, I would be so content! I really hate to put that burden on him, but he's been trying for years. He wants me home too (only because he knows I want it. He is not demanding it.) I see all these mom's all around me that are stay-at-homes and they complain that they don't get out, that they wish they could trade places....I'm sorry, but I wouldn't. To not have to work for people who don't appreciate you (the guests, my bosses are great!), to be able to cook EVERY meal at home (it's relaxing to me! I put on music and Xander helps! It's so fun!).
I admit, sometimes it can be difficult, but to see my son with that sparkle in his eye, the hug and our kiss that he only does with just me (we peck and rubbed our noses!!), It's worth every bit of it. To take every moment I have and spend it with him, reading a book, discovering a pirate treasure, making cup cakes...oh the things we would do!!!!!
Well, hopefully I'll have some more time to start the search once I graduate in a month! Yea!!!
Chelle }}i{{
Friday, April 16, 2010
Minature Disasters :-)
So, Xander and I took a quick trip down to California. We went to see and old friend, and a new, but "old" friend.
We stayed in Hayward at her house, I wanted to see them, Sangeeta's mom is not doing to good, she has cancer and has been doing pretty well, but has recently taken a turn for the worst. So, we went down to say hi, we haven't seen them in a couple of years, but we still talk on the phone. It was too quick, but nice to go and visit. I'm hoping to go down there again soon!! The boys had sooo much fun together!!! :-)
We then went up to meet up with Chels and her daughter Amelie in Bodega Bay...it was starting off to be a very nice day the sun was out, the wind was low and it was just amazing!! We went to an art gallery for a showing of paintings that were all about Buddhism...it was very neat to see!!
Then Chels accidently put one tire of her car in a ditch! Oh no!! I started laughing.
I felt so bad for laughing! But, I'm one of those that I either laugh or cry...This is why I sometimes laugh at inapproriate times...But the main reason I laughed, is because I am car trouble proned...it should have been me! I'm always loosing my keys, or having a flat...
We ended up at a ranger's station because there was NO cell service! I know, California with no cell service! I would expect it in Death Valley, but not there!! The kids had fun, they found a couple of muddied water holes and threw rocks in them.
So then, after Chels got a hold of a tow truck, we sat across the road chatting while the children played near a cliff drop off...we snacked and played.
The tow truck came, and the car ended up with minimal damage! Yea!!! We even saw some whales even!! Well, that or three rocks...we swore they were moving!!!
We headed to a lovely beach next. It was so fun! Oh, how I miss it!! The roar and silence all in one! It was beautiful!! The kids had so much fun! The water was cold and refreshing...bordering on too cold! I LOVE the ocean! You feel so small there. In our lives we sometimes are only concerned with things that are immediatly surrounding ourselves. To take sometime, in good company, and reflect that we're not the only ones' here...that life is not all about us...it's all about EVERYONE! We are all connected somehow some way.
The kids buried our feet, then buried our feet. They picked up tons of shells and had a fun time doing it!!!
As soon as I got in the car, my ipod came on, and the song "Minature Disasters" by K.T. Tunstall came on. I just laughed! It was such an ironic moment!!!
Then, we went to a deli and had rubber sandwhiches while vulters circled over head....THEY were HUGE!!
I headed back home through Napa/Sonoma and was in awe of all the beauty there!!! Then swung by my aunts house in Fairfield for a couple hours. It was neat to see them for a minute! My Mom and Grandparents were even there! :-)
All in all, it was a quick, but fun trip!!! I relaxed, felt peace, visited with good friends, and had a wonderful time! Can't wait to go back!!!!
Sometimes, life choses what happens to us. We can either sit back and enjoy the moment it brings or stress from it. I do stress often, but I'm trying to make these "Disasters" minature...because, it usually ends up well in the end. :-)
We stayed in Hayward at her house, I wanted to see them, Sangeeta's mom is not doing to good, she has cancer and has been doing pretty well, but has recently taken a turn for the worst. So, we went down to say hi, we haven't seen them in a couple of years, but we still talk on the phone. It was too quick, but nice to go and visit. I'm hoping to go down there again soon!! The boys had sooo much fun together!!! :-)
We then went up to meet up with Chels and her daughter Amelie in Bodega Bay...it was starting off to be a very nice day the sun was out, the wind was low and it was just amazing!! We went to an art gallery for a showing of paintings that were all about Buddhism...it was very neat to see!!
Then Chels accidently put one tire of her car in a ditch! Oh no!! I started laughing.
I felt so bad for laughing! But, I'm one of those that I either laugh or cry...This is why I sometimes laugh at inapproriate times...But the main reason I laughed, is because I am car trouble proned...it should have been me! I'm always loosing my keys, or having a flat...
We ended up at a ranger's station because there was NO cell service! I know, California with no cell service! I would expect it in Death Valley, but not there!! The kids had fun, they found a couple of muddied water holes and threw rocks in them.
So then, after Chels got a hold of a tow truck, we sat across the road chatting while the children played near a cliff drop off...we snacked and played.
The tow truck came, and the car ended up with minimal damage! Yea!!! We even saw some whales even!! Well, that or three rocks...we swore they were moving!!!
We headed to a lovely beach next. It was so fun! Oh, how I miss it!! The roar and silence all in one! It was beautiful!! The kids had so much fun! The water was cold and refreshing...bordering on too cold! I LOVE the ocean! You feel so small there. In our lives we sometimes are only concerned with things that are immediatly surrounding ourselves. To take sometime, in good company, and reflect that we're not the only ones' here...that life is not all about us...it's all about EVERYONE! We are all connected somehow some way.
The kids buried our feet, then buried our feet. They picked up tons of shells and had a fun time doing it!!!
As soon as I got in the car, my ipod came on, and the song "Minature Disasters" by K.T. Tunstall came on. I just laughed! It was such an ironic moment!!!
Then, we went to a deli and had rubber sandwhiches while vulters circled over head....THEY were HUGE!!
I headed back home through Napa/Sonoma and was in awe of all the beauty there!!! Then swung by my aunts house in Fairfield for a couple hours. It was neat to see them for a minute! My Mom and Grandparents were even there! :-)
All in all, it was a quick, but fun trip!!! I relaxed, felt peace, visited with good friends, and had a wonderful time! Can't wait to go back!!!!
Sometimes, life choses what happens to us. We can either sit back and enjoy the moment it brings or stress from it. I do stress often, but I'm trying to make these "Disasters" minature...because, it usually ends up well in the end. :-)
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Feeling Very Humble Tonight
So, I'm at my friends' house in Hayward, I'm visiting just for tonight and then heading out tomorrow. Her mom is a sweet, sweet soul, and she has been battling cancer for years. Well, it's now in her brain, liver and lungs.
Seeing her today, she looked so gaunt, but her spirit was shinning. I told her she has raised wonderful children, and she just started to cry, saying that they are the only things she has left. I just started to cry...the twinkle had left her eye.
We had a wonderful day, we ate at a great meal at a Persian place. Then had ice cream, and then we got back, and Xander and I went to bed to nap.
We woke up and had a good evening. Her mom imerged from her room to eat. Her throat has been hurting so bad since the radiation started.
I was on the phone, and at one point, she was screaming at my friend saying she can't eat anymore and to give her a couple days. I just wanted to cry. She was so sad, and I can understand...I think she's done, she's tired of fighting, but she's hanging on for her kids and grandkid.
I know her kids are just hanging on, because she was such a wonderful, joyous person...now a gaunt hollow shell. I just hope that she can go in peace and that her kids will let her go in peace.
It makes me so greatful to believe in another life, to know that there IS something out there. To know my father is there waiting for me. It'll be a year this coming August. I can't believe it.
We go through life hoping and fending off the inevitable...death. I just hope that when my time comes, I'll have no regrets, that I'll be happy knowing that I lived MY life to it's fullest.
Chelle }}i{{
Seeing her today, she looked so gaunt, but her spirit was shinning. I told her she has raised wonderful children, and she just started to cry, saying that they are the only things she has left. I just started to cry...the twinkle had left her eye.
We had a wonderful day, we ate at a great meal at a Persian place. Then had ice cream, and then we got back, and Xander and I went to bed to nap.
We woke up and had a good evening. Her mom imerged from her room to eat. Her throat has been hurting so bad since the radiation started.
I was on the phone, and at one point, she was screaming at my friend saying she can't eat anymore and to give her a couple days. I just wanted to cry. She was so sad, and I can understand...I think she's done, she's tired of fighting, but she's hanging on for her kids and grandkid.
I know her kids are just hanging on, because she was such a wonderful, joyous person...now a gaunt hollow shell. I just hope that she can go in peace and that her kids will let her go in peace.
It makes me so greatful to believe in another life, to know that there IS something out there. To know my father is there waiting for me. It'll be a year this coming August. I can't believe it.
We go through life hoping and fending off the inevitable...death. I just hope that when my time comes, I'll have no regrets, that I'll be happy knowing that I lived MY life to it's fullest.
Chelle }}i{{
Thursday, April 8, 2010
A Fun, Educational Day!!!
What a fun day today!!! I had to get the car looked at, as I’m going to California next week. Virginia Lake, a lovely park that has an irrigation lake in the middle of bustling Reno. Virginia lake is beautiful, even with it’s own island in the middle, I call the island “bird island“. I don’t know what it’s official name is, I just know that it is big and full of all sorts of birds.
So, this park is only a little ways from our mechanic. We walked over. We listened to music on the way over, dancing to Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 soundtrack and then to KT Tunstall, a “new to me” artist. We danced the entire 7 blocks it took to get there, twisting, and twirling, not caring at all about what the cars whizzing past us thought. We looked absolutely ridiculous, and we had such fun doing it!!!
We sat on the edge of the water watching ducks do what they do best, dive and swim. He was so fascinated as they would disappear into a mess of bubbles and then pop back up some thirty seconds later.
We had a wonderful lesson. We talked about the different birds. He was able to tell the difference between ducks, geese and seagulls! We talked about their diets. We learned the three main meal groups. Omnivore, Carnivore and Herbivore.
He learned ways to tell the difference, by giving him clues within the description of the animals diets. For example, a duck, eats veggies, fruits and herbs. They are known as herbivores. A person (he pointed out a bear too!), eats ALL kind of food. They eat fruits, veggies, meat and OMelets, they are an OMnivore. Tigers, T-Rexes, and wolves eat meat, they are a (make a growling sound) *Arg*nivore (Carnivore).
So, it was fun and so educational! It was so fun associating words to help him along, I thought I’d share this fun, wonderful day!!!!
Chelle }}i{{
So, this park is only a little ways from our mechanic. We walked over. We listened to music on the way over, dancing to Alvin and the Chipmunks 2 soundtrack and then to KT Tunstall, a “new to me” artist. We danced the entire 7 blocks it took to get there, twisting, and twirling, not caring at all about what the cars whizzing past us thought. We looked absolutely ridiculous, and we had such fun doing it!!!
We sat on the edge of the water watching ducks do what they do best, dive and swim. He was so fascinated as they would disappear into a mess of bubbles and then pop back up some thirty seconds later.
We had a wonderful lesson. We talked about the different birds. He was able to tell the difference between ducks, geese and seagulls! We talked about their diets. We learned the three main meal groups. Omnivore, Carnivore and Herbivore.
He learned ways to tell the difference, by giving him clues within the description of the animals diets. For example, a duck, eats veggies, fruits and herbs. They are known as herbivores. A person (he pointed out a bear too!), eats ALL kind of food. They eat fruits, veggies, meat and OMelets, they are an OMnivore. Tigers, T-Rexes, and wolves eat meat, they are a (make a growling sound) *Arg*nivore (Carnivore).
So, it was fun and so educational! It was so fun associating words to help him along, I thought I’d share this fun, wonderful day!!!!
Chelle }}i{{
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Sick
I'm sick. I've been sick for a week. Xander's sick, but doing better. My nose is so clogged, I'm having a really hard time sleeping.
Oh well, it's Friday! :-) Yeah!! One day left until some full-time sleep coming!
Chelle }}i{{
Oh well, it's Friday! :-) Yeah!! One day left until some full-time sleep coming!
Chelle }}i{{
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